Spiders on the Fourth


[a little girl is being tucked into bed, on the top bunk in a corner of the room]

Dad: You know, Debby, fireworks are only dangerous if they explode next to you. There really is no rational reason to fear them. Besides, we’re far away from the launch site, and fireworks detonate in the air. You shouldn’t fear them–they’re cute little things.

Debby: Okay, Daddy.

Dad: Okay, Debbycakes. Good night.

[Dad gets up, crosses the room. Debby is still quivering in fear as booming can be heard. Dad flicks off the light, and a flood of spiders deploy from behind a poster, making their way around the top corners of the room, toward Debby, who sits up, SCREAMING.]

Dad: What? What’s wrong? [hops up and down, rushed toward her]

Debby: Dadddyyy!!! They’re getting closer!!!”

Dad: [walking back to the door] No, Debbycakes. They won’t– [flicks light back on] AAAAHHHH!!!!!!! [runs from room] Carol! Call 911! Get the repellant! Call the poison control! Grab the Swiss cheese! Our daughter’s life is in jeopardy!!!

[Carol enters the room, gas mask on her face; a fire extinguisher in one hand, a bat in the other.]

Carol: Outa my way, John! I got this! [She sprays at the spiders on the wall, plastering even Debby with the extinguishing foam. She is kind of out of control, swinging the bat as well. She hits Dad on the head, knocking him out cold.] The spiders.. are extirpated.

[lights out]


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